( the letter to athena )

[sortileges]

"Carolina Deslandes - Mountains ft. Agir" (Watch on YouTube)

Dear Athena,

First and foremost, I want to apologise for not being honest about a lot of this sooner. You saw glimpses in the mirrors back in the dark city, but I know you didn't see it all. It didn't show everything either, there's probably too much that has happened for it to get everything.

Sorry if this is out of order, trying to put all of this down into words is harder than I thought. I haven't really done it before. Opened up like this or anything.

So I'll start from the beginning.

As you know, magic has been outlawed where I'm from, it isn't just Camelot, though that's where I was living before I came here. I grew up in Ealdor which is part of Odin's Kingdom that borders Camelot (the Kingdom that Uther reigns over). I lived with my mother after my father abandoned us, and even now she still refuses to speak of him. I can't blame her for that. I don't know the details, but my mother is a strong woman, and she's probably the reason I made it this far. She taught me that my magic was a gift, not a curse, and that it can be used for good. It doesn't mean the other villagers agreed with her about magic though, so I had to keep it quiet. I could move and stop objects before I could walk or talk. I couldn't control it, so I had to keep out of sight for the most part. It was too dangerous.

It was lonely.

I made one friend in Ealdor. His name was Will. We were close friends, he was the only person I told about my magic in Ealdor. I lost him last year, when the village was attacked multiple times by bandits and we went there to help. Myself, Arthur, Guinevere and Morgana fought the attackers. Will convinced me to use my magic to throw them back, but Arthur saw and Will took the blame after he'd just saved Arthur's life. He kept my secret, but I failed him.

How I came to work for Arthur is another story entirely though. When I first arrived in Camelot, there was a public execution of a sorcerer. His mother was in the crowd and promised to take Arthur's life in revenge. I was only at the banquet because Gaius was invited and he's my guardian, but it turns out the sorceress had taken the place of the singer who had been hired. She used a sleeping enchantment to put everyone to sleep, then aimed to kill Arthur. I stopped her by making a chandelier fall upon her head, but she tried to aim a dagger at him once the sleeping enchantment was broken and I pushed Arthur aside. She failed, and Uther rewarded me by making me Arthur's servant. What kind of reward is that?

We didn't get along that well then. In fact, a day or two before I met Arthur when he was bullying his servant at the time during training and I stood up for the servant. I tried to punch him and ended up in the dungeons. Then, when I was out at the market he tried to wind me up and forced me to have a duel using maces with him. I cheated with magic, but Gaius ended up very cross with me. Honestly, I'd never met someone so arrogant and condescending before. I just wanted to teach him a lesson. I was punished and thrown in the stocks for it, of course.

That's when I heard the Great Dragon call out to me. He's chained under Camelot's castle in a cave, held there by a chain that's fused with magic. He's the one who told me of my destiny, a destiny I didn't want to believe in. That Arthur and I are each a side of a coin. Where he is light, the face of the future, I am his shadow. Without me, he won't become the once and future King. In reality, without him I wouldn't have my purpose in life. He was such a prat at the time though it was hard to believe.

I don't know how much you know about my time, but melees are popular. Jousting. Fighting. Knights knocking each other upside the head for fame and coin. The next time I had to save Arthur's life was during one of those events. There was this knight called Valiant. As a fighter, he was fairly good, but he was cheating. His shield was forged with sorcery, where a hydra would rise whenever he commanded it to strike. Arthur was the champion of the tournament and thus was fighting to keep his place, and Valiant planned to kill him. I tried to go to Arthur about it, we even put it before the King but a servant's word is nothing without proof and Arthur ended up getting mad at me for making him look like a fool. I had to show the court that Valiant was using this magic without accusing him. For a full night I tried to enchant a statue to come to life, and managed just in time while Arthur's fight had begun. I had to take the risk to do it in front of everyone.

Next ,came a plague. I say a plague, but in reality it was sorcery that plagued the town, rather than any scientific disease that you might know of. My magic could have potentially cured people, but as it was the water that was contaminated, it wouldn't really help anyone in the long run. People were dying. Gwen's father was on one of them. Gaius told me not to do anything, but Gwen had been nothing but kind to me and I wanted to save him. People turned on her, accusing her of being the sorceress or sorcerer that had caused it all to begin with. I tried to come forward, but no one believed me either. Gwen was going to be executed, just because I wanted to help her.

The only thing we could do was hurry to find the cause.

I don't think it was anything we could have expected. A creature called an Anfanc was born to the water below the city to pollute it. Myself, Arthur and Morgana went down to the cave and defeated the creature and the safety of the city was restored and we managed to save Gwen's life. This is important for the future. A sorceress named Nimueh was responsible, and in thwarting her plans, it made me a target.

Nimueh disguised herself as a young girl and called herself Kara during a union between Uther's Kingdom and the Kingdom of Mercia. She warned me that the King had poisoned a chalice meant for Arthur. The stability between the two Kingdom's wasn't strong, so Uther told me that I was the one who had to test the chalice. I drank from it, with the entire room watching. The poison took over me and I don't really remember anything after that. Gaius told me that Arthur set out to find a cure for me, and that I guided Arthur with magic even while dying. The cure was brought back, but Nimueh had tried to kill us both out of her need for vengeance on Uther.

I was saved just in time, though I think my heart might have stopped briefly, I'm not sure. That's when Gwen kissed me, if you remember me even telling you that before. It wasn't anything romantic, just relief. Honestly I barely knew up from down so it didn't matter either way.

Nimueh didn't give up.

It's after that I met Lancelot. I was out in the forest when I was attacked by a magical creature called a griffon. Lancelot happened upon me and we fought the creature off. He was injured, so I took him to Gaius. Lancelot admitted he wanted to become a knight, but to be a knight you have to be of noble birth. I forged a certificate for him, and Lancelot undertook the trials early because of the beast we saw before. He passed the test and was knighted. They found out it was forged though and Lancelot was arrested. Arthur and the knights set out to take on the griffon, but only magic could defeat it. Before doing so, however, Arthur set Lancelot free from the dungeons and urged him to run before his father found out. He didn't. Together we went to face the griffon after Arthur and his men fell. Lancelot charged and I used a spell that would attach itself to his weapon. Together, we killed it. Lancelot is the only person other than Gaius who knows about my magic. I trust him with my life.

But he had to leave.

Uther was furious. Arthur didn't want him to go. Lancelot wouldn't split the bond between a father and son though. He's too honorable for that. It isn't the last I'd see of him at least but there's a lot more to come before that day arrives.

A man named Edwin came to Camelot after that. He claimed to have a remedy that cured all ills and even did something to make it seem as though Gaius wasn't good enough anymore. He tried to take his position from him. I admit that for a while I was a little taken by him. He didn't make magic seem evil, talked of using it for good. In the end though, he was using his position to get to Uther and I had to stop him. He tried to set Gaius on fire. Edwin tried to take Gaius' life away from him. He asked me to join him. To use our magic to take over the Kingdom. I refused, then he aimed an ax at me but I returned it. I killed him. Looking back on it, I'm not sure if I even blinked after knowing what he became. Gaius knew him from when he was a child, that's why there were so many problems between them. Gaius, however, is like a father to me. I don't want to lose him.

Later, while hunting, Arthur and I came across an older man and his daughter. They called themselves Aulfric and Sophia, from a Kingdom called Tír-Mòr. Morgana didn't trust her, and at the time I didn't know why but she had every right not to. Sophia enchanted Arthur to get him to love her. I covered for him when he wanted to go out riding with her when he should have been on patrol. That's why I ended up in the stocks for him. Sophia's plan all along was to take him to the Lake of Avalon to open the gate to their home. They needed Arthur's soul to make the trip, but I managed to stop them by shooting them with their staffs. They blew up, or at least it looked like that. I didn't have much time though, as Arthur was already drowning at that point. I had to get him out of the lake. Of course he didn't remember any of it and thought in a bout of craziness he tried to elope with Sophia. He was embarrassed enough that the matter never came up again.

Then I met Mordred.

He and a man named Cerdan were in Camelot for supplies when the shopkeeper had them chased by the guard for being druids. The man was taken, and Mordred was injured. He called out to me. In my head, I mean. He called for help over and over until I took him to Morgana for help. Arthur wouldn't understand, but considering he was still a child, I trusted that Morgana and Gwen would help. Morgana looked after him as a mother would. I tried to heal him using Gaius' books but I'm actually terrible at it. Or was. I don't think I'm that bad now but at the time it was a mess. Gaius later told me it did nothing at all to help, that we should have gone to him sooner. Cerdan was executed. Mordred felt it, I think, for when the moment happened even though he couldn't see he screamed and shattered the mirror in Morgana's room.

Druids are more in tune with each other than normal people. Mordred especially is like a form of communication. He's the key that sends messages. While those with magic can do it, for his people he's the one who is best suited to doing it I suppose.

He was later captured, but this time Arthur agreed to help get him to safety. I was to let them both free from the vaults at night, but after visiting the Great Dragon again and knowing that Mordred was destined to one day kill Arthur, I didn't go. Mordred kept calling out to me for help, begging me to save them. I couldn't leave it be. I helped them escape. I helped Mordred live.

Nimueh returned. She conjured a knight from Uther's past to make him challenge the knights to a duel to the death. First Sir Owain took the gauntlet. Sir Owain gave the knight a fatal blow, but given how he was already dead, he wasn't killed. The knight returned again to offer his challenge. This time Sir Pellinore took up the gauntlet. This time when Sir Pellinore gave the black knight a fatal blow the others saw it too; yet, the black knight remained unharmed. Sir Pellinore died soon after.

Arthur took the next challenge. Uther was furious. He knew that Nimueh was doing this to try and take Arthur from him. I tried to use my magic on it, but even fire wouldn't burn through. I searched for a weapon that could harm even those that were immortal and came across one entry about a blade that was blessed by a dragon. I had Guinevere give me her father's best blade then went to the Great Dragon.

There, Excalibur was born. Or at least, that is what the name which it came to be known by.

I had promised that the blade would only be used by Arthur. While I was away Uther had Gaius drug Arthur and took the sword from me. I couldn't refuse the King. Once the battle was over and I told the Great Dragon the truth, he made me promise to cast the sword away to a place where it could never be used by another. I threw it into the Lake of Avalon.

It's after this where I lost my friend Will and the story I told of before, so I won't repeat that again. Many of the attackers were killed, some ran. Either way, the most important part of that story is done. I lost my friend, but my mother's life was saved. Made easier in the long run.

It's after that when Arthur showed himself to be an utter clotpole when we were out hunting. It's here where he killed the unicorn. I don't really know how much legend talks about unicorns where you're from, but even for in my time they're magical creatures. The purest of all. I can't even imagine wanting to kill one, even without knowing that. To see one for real, to touch one feels like a blessing. Yet he killed one and took the horn like a trophy.

Even then I felt as though he deserved to feel guilty for what he'd done. I'd tried to soothe the creature while it died against me. I think I remember crying. Arthur mocked me for it.

He quickly changed his mind when the water turned to sand. When the crops died across all of the land.

While patrolling for looters Arthur and myself came across a man who called himself Anhora. He said he was the keeper of the unicorns, and in killing one Arthur had laid a curse upon the land. He told us that to undo the curse, Arthur had to face a trial. If he passed, the curse would be lifted. He passed the first trial when we met a looter in the grain store and Arthur let him go with a bag of grain. Water returned the next day. While out in the forest we encountered the man again and realised he was a thief. Arthur tried to kill him to save his pride, and Camelot again began to suffer. Our food rations rotted.

I went back to the forest to find Anhora. I begged him to give Arthur another chance, because I believed he wouldn't fail again. He told me that Arthur must go alone to the Labyrinth of Gedref for his final test. I followed him, and Anhora set a trap for me. The test was simple. At a table sat two goblets, one with poison and one with liquid which could be drank. We each could only drink from one cup.

Arthur poured them both into the same cup and drank it all. Anhora had only put a sleeping draft into the goblet, but it was proof enough that Arthur was also pure of heart because he risked his life for mine. The unicorn was reborn because of this. Camelot returned to normal.

Or at least as normal as it could get.

Gwen's father made a deal with a group of sorcerers. They promised they planned on using his help for science in exchange for coin. Her family have always been poor, he wanted to make life more comfortable for them both so he took the deal without question. He didn't realise what this would mean. Tom, Gwen's father, was accused of conspiring with sorcerers and taken to the dungeons. He was to be given a fair trial, but as you've already heard from me a fair trial in my time is nothing like the trials you speak of. There isn't any evidence brought forward, only words. Even the evidence that is given is half-assed at the best of times. Tom didn't stand a chance.

Morgana gave him the key to help him escape, but that only infuriated Uther further and clouded his judgement more. He changed his decision, saying that Tom must be executed on sight. Gwen lost her father. Morgana started to get angrier at Uther. I think I ended up more lost than before. Uther isn't a nice person, I know that, but Arthur really isn't ready to be King. Even when I'm from now, he isn't ready.

The sorcerers didn't let it lie there though, as the stone was missing. Morgana took it to them, and offered to betray Uther if they let her live. She had a change of heart after they visited her father's grave. She helped save Uther's life.

One night while myself, Arthur and the knights were on a hunt we came upon a beast that had the head of a cobra and the body of a leopard. Gaius told me it was a Questing Beast. This creature was born of magic, of the Old Religion, and could only be killed by such. One bite from this beast would kill someone. Uther ordered Arthur to go out and fight it again. We did. It lunged at me, but Arthur took my place and was rendered immobile. I killed it by enchanting a sword with the same spell I'd used with Lancelot against the griffon and it died. Arthur, however, was already dying.

There was only one thing I could do as there was no cure for this bite. I had to go to the Isle of the Blessed. A place where magic was the most powerful. Did you know that with magic it comes from the earth itself? As such to save a life, a life must be given in return. I went to the Isle of the Blessed to give my own life in return for Arthur's. I told Nimueh to take my life, as long as Arthur's life was saved.

She tried to take my mother's.

She tried to take Gaius'.

So I took hers.

I don't remember feeling as angry before. Like the sky could mirror my heart as lightning rained down upon her until her body was ash. I know you saw that in the mirrors, but I'm not sure how much of any of this you saw before your heart gave up.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you more about it, even if we talked a little once you woke up again. About how I felt. I don't regret that choice. I can't regret taking her life to save those I love and care about. I'm sorry I'd do the same for you too, as I'm sure that isn't something you'd want to hear. Life is supposed to be precious, isn't it? Yet I've taken more than I remember already. Nimueh's heart was corrupt. Not by magic, but by vengeance itself. I can't blame her either after all Uther has done since the Great Purge some 20 years past, but what she became wasn't good. At least with her life it saved the life of a good man. Gaius is the only one who truly knows what happened there. Uther only knows that Nimueh is gone now. Nothing more, nothing less.

However, that isn't the last of my memories.

A group of workers that were digging under Camelot uncovered an old tomb. They were making too much noise, so Arthur sent me down to tell them to finish for the night. It turned out one of the men had activated a trap and died. Gaius triggered the same trap, but I stopped it just in time. That part isn't as important though. The tomb belonged to a famous sorcerer called Cornelius Sigan. He wasn't a good sorcerer. He trapped his own soul inside a heart shaped jewel. A man calledCedric worked hard in the castle, doing my chores before I got to them to win Arthur's favor. He took my place to get close enough to get the jewel.

He succeeded, and in turn, he set Cornelius free into his body.

Gargoyle statues on the castle walls came to life. Darkness reined free. Cornelius asked me to join him. He told me that instead of being bossed around by Arthur I could do it to him instead. I could reign over the land with Cornelius. I refused. Cornelius knew about my magic, he said that if I wouldn't join him, he'd take advantage of the powers my body had. He tried to possess me. I could feel him, but in the end I managed to force him back into the jewel with a spell. Cornelius Sigan was once again trapped.

[ The rest of the page is blank, and Athena will find the next section is on a piece of it's own, with the instruction to burn this once she's read it. To dispose of it with 100% certainty. ]

After that is when things get complicated. I mentioned Morgana to you before, didn't I? That time when we were alone in the cafe. We dressed as a Prince and a Princess, but it's then that I told you a little about my life at home. Morgana's secret cannot be told to anyone, no matter what. I'm not really sure what the so called legends people have told me about say, but the Morgana I know is a good person with a good heart. The Great Dragon has warned me over and over about her and when I found out that she also has magic (her gifts awakened later in her life) I wanted to help. No one, not even Gaius, can understand the loneliness that comes with having powers like this. Not in a world where death is the only option if you're found. You can't trust anyone. There is no one to guide you. They don't automatically work. It takes years to harness it, to control it. You can easily slip up by stopping a glass from falling because your mind wills it, even if you know it could get you killed. I didn't want Morgana to be alone. I had Gaius to help me, but she had no one.

I never told her that I had magic as well, but I told her of the druids that lived in the forest. I told her where she could find them and that they might be able to help her. It was a mistake. Uther believed she'd been kidnapped. He sent Arthur to look for them, and Arthur followed my trail when I tried to warn them. I think all of them but Mordred were killed in the end. It was my trail they followed, and it was me who sent Morgana to them in the first place. The druids are a peaceful people. They didn't deserve any of what happened, and while I know Uther is really to blame, I can't help but wonder how differently things might have been had I just told Morgana and helped her myself.

I don't know what kind of future that could have created. Would she have felt more secure? More sure of herself? The druids helped her feel comfortable in herself, at least. Would it ultimately have turned her against me? Would she have told Uther. But I was supposed to be her friend. I don't know who I can trust sometimes. Not with what I have to do. It's better to be alone.

[ That is all that is on that sheet, then he returns to writing in a long stream again, the words seeming never ending. ]

After that, Morgana and Gwen were captured by an outlaw called Hengist. He underestimated them though and they tried to escape, but Gwen ended up injured. Morgana came to find us, telling us that Gwen had been taken. We tried to reason with Uther to let us go to her, to rescue her, but yet again a servant proved to be unworthy of that aid from the King. Arthur and I sneaked out of the castle and headed there. The trip was rushed, even through caves with creatures that look like giant rats. Disgusting, honestly. It also turned out that Hengist likes to keep them as pets and sets them on his prisoners if they displease him.

When we arrived it turned out Lancelot was earning a living by fighting there for coin. He helped Gwen escape, but they had been caught again by the time we arrived. We helped them out, but really the biggest problem was when we were leaving. Guinevere cares for them both, you know? I don't just mean as a friend. Arthur and Lancelot. She loves them both. I don't think it's impossible, they both have different qualities that make them good people, but Arthur isn't someone who she can marry while Uther is King. He wouldn't even give us permission to look for her, nevermind something like that. Lancelot is someone she could be with, someone who she wouldn't have to wait for.

Lancelot is also an honorable man who wouldn't come between them. He told me to give Gwen a message and he took his leave. He told me to break the news to Gwen that he'd made the decision for her, even if she'd changed him forever. Love, I believe, makes us stronger. Lancelot, I hope, will find strength in walking away and knowing that one day Gwen will be happy. At least I think that's what I need to believe. He's probably the only true friend I have now. He knows my secret. He knows me. This would have been one of the last things I would have wanted for him. I wonder if I would have encouraged Arthur before had I known what it lead to.

It doesn't really matter now, does it?

Guinevere and Arthur are stuck waiting until Uther is dead and Arthur can make the changes the Kingdom needs. Lancelot is gone.

Speaking of Uther, it's after this that Lady Catrina visited Camelot. Or, at least, who we believed to be her. I told you before about the time Uther married a troll, right? This is it. She enchanted Uther to love her over time. I couldn't stop her, and it was impossible for me to accuse her without proof. I already told you before what happens when someone of my standing does that. I tried to get her caught, but in the end her magic outwitted mine. Uther married her and thus a troll became the first lady of the Kingdom.

She was aware I knew though and sought to stop me from showing everyone the truth. She had Uther believe I stole her family crest, but Arthur warned me in time so I could run. I hid while trying to find ways to reveal the truth. She had Arthur disowned. Disinherited. She had Uther place her as rightful heir to the throne. I found that the troll had to take a potion to keep the form of Catrina and with Gaius' help we changed the potion around. (Also I might have to take back what I said before about Gaius being a good man after the horrid thing he made me taste for that to work). It worked on Arthur and Morgana at least, who saw her true form and finally knew what her real form was.

The only way to truly break Uther's enchantment, however, was to make him truly cry tears of remorse. For a man like Uther you can only imagine how difficult that was. Gaius was right though. Even with his awful methods he cares for Arthur. We had to give Arthur a poison that would make him close to death and administer the antidote in time. It was risky, and the troll's accomplice nearly stopped me from getting there in time. We killed them both in the end and Arthur's position was given back to him.

Yet, it made Uther's hatred of magic worse. This is the last thing I remember before I wound up here, so just bear with me a little longer okay? It was a stupid mistake on my part. I thought I was alone and enchanted smoke with the image of a horse, but a woman from the city saw it. She didn't know it was me who conjured it, but she ran to the King in fear.

Uther called for a Witchfinder to be brought to Camelot. This man went by the name Aredian. He was apparently famous in all of the Kingdom's for finding sorcerers. Aredian questioned me because he knew I had been there the time the woman saw my magic. He named me as a suspect in court. I told Uther I had nothing to hide, and our chambers were ransacked for evidence. An amulet was found in one of the jars and Aredian claimed it was mine, but thinking he was protecting me Gaius said it was his. It was neither of ours, Aredian had planted it there. I went to the Dragon who told me that Gaius' fate was sealed and there was nothing I could do. I refused to believe it. Gaius admitted that he was treating Morgana for her nightmares, unknowingly making the situation much harder for her as well.

It became a mess. Aredian forced Gaius to confess in court, leaving Uther to declare he would be executed. Gwen came to me when Morgana was taken for questioning and we worked together to uncover evidence of Aredian's forgery. We found that he had been forcing a man to sell eyedrops infused with belladonna (which gives people hallucinations) to create false eyewitnesses. I planted evidence in his chambers: tens or maybe even hundreds of the amulets he left in our chambers that he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of. A search was conducted and Aredian became known as a liar. He tried to take Morgana and use her as a means of escape, but I used my magic to make his blade hot to the touch. He let go, stumbled back and tripped over a chest behind his feet and went right through the window.

While I've been here Rei has told me my fortune. I know she's a friend of yours, but I don't know if she's ever done that for you. My fortune was bleak. Fire. Destruction. I've mentioned the Great Dragon many times but I haven't said his importance. Not really. In exchange for all the help he's given me, I promised to one day set him free. I can't go back on that word, but the fire and death that will follow is immense. Camelot is close to falling in the vision Rei showed me. My magic was useless against the dragon. Yet, I don't feel like I can leave him locked under the castle forever.

It's going to be my fault. I already know that even if Rei's vision never showed it. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's after thwarting the Witchfinder I found myself here. I can't feel guilty for the deaths I've described in here, but I felt you needed to know. My time is much different to yours. Kingdoms are at war all the time. Battles are a means of entertainment, not just something you watch on television. A walk in the forest can lead to an ambush. I've almost died more times than I can count, but I've also taken more lives than I truly wanted to admit to you too. That's why I keep thinking you deserve better, especially when I've written a letter this long with nothing but bad news for how many pages is this now? My feelings were never a lie. I hope you know that. I just hope that yours haven't changed after reading all of this.

I'm sorry I kept this from you, but it's hardly something I could bring up in detail. I tried, but it's really too much, isn't it? You deserve someone who can only give you happiness. I'm willing to change everything I can about the rules or customs I'm used to, but I can't change the fact that I have this kind of past or this kind of future. This is what I'll be going back to, whenever that time comes. Knowing you, you'll cry for me, won't you? You don't need to. Fate isn't something you can escape. I still believe you're part of mine, and I hope that by admitting all of this I haven't lost you.

I hope you aren't disappointed. In the end I'm nothing like a prince. I'm far from it. Still, despite that, I want you to know that no matter your decision I'll protect you no matter the cost. I don't want you to suffer, you mean too much to me for that.

Merlin.