[ Well he wouldn't be beating himself up over something like that--
he'd be burning those fuckers down.
When she looks like that though, he only feels guiltier because he shouldn't be making her feel down as well. He sighs when even widget mirrors it now too and reaches out to nudge her closer. His arm curls around her waist, pushing at the small amount of space between her back and couch to pull her in. ]
Sorry. I didn't want-- [ To make you sad too, is what he wants to say, instead he just goes quiet for a moment, eyes focusing on her shoulder, not looking at her in the eye. His other hand plucks and pulls at the jeans he tugged on probably yesterday at this point. The days have kind of blurred together.
Finally he finishes with: ] Every spell I tried was useless.
[ the feeling of being useless—she knows it well. she grew up feeling useless, after all. at least she understands him better now, and she moves closer to him and rests her head on his shoulder.
it's not easy to empower somebody who's down for feeling uselessness; the words that need to be used have to be personalised and specific. she doesn't look up at him but looks at the hand by his leg instead. she wants to grab hold of it and just hold his hand. she just wants to be with him right now, but that probably isn't enough. ]
I'm fine now, though, so don't worry, okay? [ a pause and she closes her eyes. her words are the same kinds of things she tells her clients; don't dwell on the past, focus on the present. ] I'm fine. That's- [ she swallows. ] that's what matters.
I don't know what that robot did, but you've done more than enough, Merlin. I'm really thankful.
[ It isn't a feeling he's used to at all. It's a first, actually, considering that with his magic he's even struck down a High Priestess, someone second to the goddess herself. The hand on his leg shifts, digs into the material and drags as he grips at it.
But it isn't the past he's thinking of. Nor is it the present, it's -- ] Now. But what about next time? I thought I... [ He just let's out a soft frustrated noise then and reaches up to rub at his eye instead, making it redder from doing it to hard. ]
[ no, don't do that... she takes his hand and entwines her fingers with his. anything she says at this point probably wouldn't do anything if he keeps worrying. but athena. athena is very determined to make him feel better, even if it's the last thing she does. ]
I'll beat up whoever tries to get me next time. [ she means it, too. ] Don't worry too much about me. But--
[ a beat. she doesn't know how to continue. there's something she wants to say, but she feels like it's the wrong thing to say. it won't make him feel any better if she tells him his abilities are limited and he can't do everything.
[ He blinks when he feels her hand take his, like he wasn't even aware of it at all. He doesn't even turn his gaze from that spot either for a moment, but her words actually only make him frown even more. ]
No. [ Ah? ] I don't know everything that happened while you were there, but doing that probably kept you safer.
[ And it's hard Athena. Like it's great that he can be himself here, but there's also this feeling that he can't escape the pressure of what his life is where ever he is. How is he supposed to be this great name if he can't even save someone he loves?
He takes a deep breath, squeezes her hands and shifts a bit. ] You aren't, sorry. It isn't your fault. I don't want you to feel down either. Sorry. It's probably just because I'm tired.
[ she knows that it isn't because he's tired, either. and it makes her feel all the more upset with herself. with everything that's happening. with everything but him. if she could only have one wish, it's to make him happy, but she can't even cheer him up at a time like this. and it's making her so sad... sadder than she already was earlier. ]
You're— [ there are a few more words she wants to say, but she lets go of his hand to cover her face with both hands this time around as she cries.
at first, they're quiet sobs but they grow louder, and eventually, she just ends up bawling. ]
[ Fuck. Not that he thinks of that word exactly, but it only makes him feel worse because now he made her cry. He shouldn't have come over, should he? Not when he was still a mess anyway. ]
Athena-- [ His voice cracks as he winces but at least now he isn't hesitating to reach out to pull her against himself, holding her close, holding her tight to himself. He rubs her back slowly, kisses at her forehead. ]
Sorry. I shouldn't have come until later, should I? I just wanted--
[ No... this isn't okay either and this time he bites into the corner of his lip until blood forms on the surface. ]
[ both hands immediately go to his shirt, gripping tightly as she continues crying. it's not intentional that she rests her face on his chest, but what else can she do when he's holding her so closely?
her cries are loud and childlike, the same kind of noises a child makes when a toy of theirs becomes broken. not that anything is broken right now, but her heart continues to sink and sink deeper.
she shakes her head in frustration, her grip on his shirt only growing tighter by the second. ]
I don't know what to do. I Just want you to be okay. [ it's not a request. it's a plea. there's nothing more in this world that she wants right now but this. ]
[ It's fine that she's there. Tears sink into the material, but really the worst thing is that she's crying so much, wailing almost and even though he doesn't have her ability he can hear the pain in it all. It's a slow movement, but he keeps one arm curled around her while the other scoops her up. He pulls her up against himself properly now, then finally lets his hand rest against the back of her neck.
His thumb rubs the skin in small circles, but it aches to see her like this.
Especially when it's his fault again. ] I will be, I will... I'm just not used to failing like this. Shouldn't you be crying for yourself? You're the one who was taken... [ Apparently he doesn't know how easily he affects her, but he's learning that very quickly. ]
I love you, I just don't know what I would have done if something had happened because I wasn't strong enough, you know?
[ athena. athena can be selfish and childish, but deep down, she's absolutely selfless. she'd honestly put her life on the line for somebody else's, if it's to make sure somebody else doesn't get hurt. that's just how she is. nevermind the fact that reibot didn't even do anything to athena but keep her secluded and not allow her to contact anybody for two days. she was still suffering then, worrying over rei and her friends. what if their robots turn against them, too? what then? it wasn't the worst two days of her life, but she definitely could have had better.
her crying subsides a little, but the tears continue to fall. she can't stop even if she wants to. she just can't help but cry because she can't even make the person whom she loves happy. he's supposed to be happy now that she's back. that's the expected reaction, and yet, she can't hear a clear sound coming from his chest. it's just not right. and it's all her fault. ]
Stupid!
[ him, not her, obviously. she bangs her fist on his chest once as she cries it out.
"you can't do everything, merlin". she wants to say it so badly - it was what she wanted to say earlier, too, but it's too hurtful to say out loud. even just thinking it hurts her already. and she's already crying. she doesn't need more pain right now. ]
Then that's not your fault, but mine. Or the robots', or CERES'!
[ she lets go of him this time and looks at him, eyes still filled with tears, though the look on her face is more angry than sad. ]
Everybody fails, you know. I couldn't protect someone I cared about the first time, but that's why you have to keep trying. Just because something happened once doesn't mean you can't do anything about it anymore!
[ Really his motives are selfless, but his methods are utterly selfish. It's an odd combination but it's what he needs when he's alone back home. When he has no one but himself to keep him alive, when he's just a joke to the knights and to Arthur, despite it being only him that keeps them all alive at times.
What else is he supposed to say?
The truth?
He just lets her hit him in the chest, and even though he wants to wince he can't bring himself to do it. She might notice that while her own emotions are all over the place, sad, angry, upset hurt.
His are oddly calm. ]
Athena. [ His hands reach for hers now that she isn't hitting him and she isn't holding on. His touch is warm, but it's a complete contrast to the words, the burden he isn't talking to her about, hasn't talked to her about and keeps avoiding. A slight part of it comes up now, but... ]
I don't have room to fail. Here, maybe there are second chances, maybe people come back. But if I'm not good enough for here, how am I good enough for home? If I fail there, an entire Kingdom falls.
[ she's angry. enraged. and she's yelling as she cries. widget's displaying a red angry face, too - probably the first time merlin's going to see it. and hopefully the last.
she's supposed to be empowering people and cheering them on, but when they don't listen to anything she says, all she can offer is brute force. she doesn't mean to be angry, but this is just insulting in more ways than one. ]
I've learned that it's the toughest of times when lawyers have to force their biggest smiles, and maybe you aren't a lawyer, but I'm telling you this now: this is my code. This is what I do for a living. When things get tough, I smile my way through it because I know people are counting on me.
Those people in your kingdom... they don't know that their future rests in your hands, but that doesn't mean that you should be such a pessimist over things!
It hurts, Merlin. Seeing you like this, hearing you like this. I thought you would be happy, but you aren't. You're. . [ she swallows, then looks away. ] being selfish.
What you have in your own world is different. The rules there are different from here. Rei's magic is different from yours. There are people here whose magic differ from yours, too. You can't do everything, but just because that's true doesn't mean you're not good enough.
It's your destiny to bring Arthur to the throne and protect him. That's a pretty daunting task and nobody else but you can do it. You are good enough.
I don't know what to say anymore. I obviously can't say the words you want to hear right now, and I doubt I'm making you feel any better, either. But I know this in my heart. You're capable of so many beautiful and wonderful things, Merlin. You won't fail at home.
[ He listens though. Which is something she didn't do last time when he started doing this at her. His wasn't in anger, just pain but she blacked out before he probably got half way through it. Even knowing that he has a half written letter in his room addressed to her with everything he's had to face doesn't make this any easier, because he still needs to give it to her.
She doesn't know all the details, and he can't blame her for that. He can't blame her for the fact that the image people had of his name, of its significance is far from the truth and that hurts because he's trying to live up to a lie as well. Rei doesn't have that. People don't hear the name "Rei Hino" and think "Oh yes she's that girl who..." She's just another girl to them. Granted, it isn't like that for everyone, no, but it's enough to make things harder.
He's had to lie to Arthur from the start. He's had to fake smiles so he knows all that. But he doesn't want to have to do that everywhere, every hour of the day.
He should have just taken the blanket and slept this off. Especially now that he has to look up to stop himself from crying along with her.
She doesn't know what he's going to do when he goes back. She doesn't know about the vision Rei showed him, where the Great Dragon turns the city to fire.
So instead of saying any of that, he just manages: ] I don't want to go back. [ His eyes shut and he swallows, but it's getting harder to push back tears, because she's right.
It's selfish.
He just wanted something for himself for once and for that to be secure. He wanted her, to live in a bubble where nothing else existed and he could pretend he wasn't the person who had done everything he has, will do everything he will.
His hand moves up to his mouth and he bites down on the skin, squeezes his eyes shut. ] Sorry.
[ she shakes her head and continues to look away. her anger has dimmed down a bit, mostly because she's a person who truly can't stay angry for a very long time. she's grown tired now, and all she wants to do is rest, but with a guest over, that's not possible.
weakly, she asks: ] What are you even saying sorry for?
[ she doesn't want to argue anymore, but she has to ask. does he understand that he's being selfish, or is he just saying sorry for the sake of ending the conversation? ]
[ He lets his hands drop now, not reaching to touch her at all. She can stay where he pulled her earlier, but that's that. His face twists a little at her question, and while he isn't irritated or angry, he's... what? It's his own fault to begin with, he knows that. ]
[ at least she's done talking. she moves a bit to the side, to give him some space and reaches for her glass of orange juice. she takes a sip before she pulls her legs up to the couch and folds them in front of her. then she continues drinking.
crying and screaming sure did take a lot out of her.
once she's done drinking (for now), she sets the glass back and pulls her legs back up. ]
[ He only watches out of the corner of his eyes, staying quiet while she moves to take the juice and drinks some of it, then when she puts it back in its place on the table.
When she's done, he shakes his head. ]
You have nothing to apologise for, but I'm-- [ He takes a deep breath, and he really doesn't want to leave while she's still upset either. But this isn't fair anymore, is it? ] --going to go for a bit. Not because of what you think, but I told you before that I'd write things down for you, didn't I?
It isn't fair that you have to keep having this blind faith in me. I should have only been happy you got back safely. It should have been the only emotion you could hear.
[ His heart is probably screaming out as he swallows tight. ]
I wish you could see I'm really not as good as you think I am. I want to be, I'm trying to be, but I'm not. What kind of person makes someone they love cry this much? [ It's brief, but his hand twitches and moves up slightly, as if he's going to reach for her face, but then it flops right back down again. ]
That's okay... [ the crying, she means. she doesn't look at him and continues to embrace her legs, thinking about how relationships actually work. she's grown up without a father so she doesn't know how a mother and father should be like, but she knows well enough from her studies that couples fight and it only makes them grow and makes their relationship stronger.
this wasn't a fight by any means, but athena sure did fight for what she believed in. and she's going to continue doing it. if merlin was being selfish earlier, she sure is being selfish now.
It isn't okay. [ He doesn't want her to believe that, because that only opens a horrible can of worms for the future. He's never seen a mother and father together except for peeks outside either. To his knowledge, his father abandoned them and he wasn't able to get to close to other people either.
It's a challenge for the both of them, but in the end it should hopefully make them stronger.
His hand slowly curls over hers and his eyes shut slowly. ] I don't want to, but... I don't want to keep upsetting you either.
[ You think you do. But that would be way too cruel to say. He can't bring himself to do that.
This time he lets his hand move from hers to slide it through her hair. He's stopped trying to squash everything down now which is probably only making things worse. He just.
He doesn't know. ] Come here?
[ If he isn't allowed to leave, he wants to at least hold her so she cry this out in a better place. When she agrees and he can lean to kiss her cheek, he murmurs the words back warmly. ] I love you too. Please don't doubt that at least.
athena's never felt such her heart ache this much since simon was taken away from her when she was younger. the death of her own mother doesn't even compare to the pain she feels right now, and it sucks. she just wants to be with him and make him happy, but even though they've dropped the subject, she's still dwelling on it in the back of her mind.
at his request, she scoots closer to him and embraces him tightly, crying further into his chest. she really thought this was going to be a joyful reunion, but how wrong she was. ]
[ He lets her scoot over to where she wants, suiting where she wants to be rather than pulling her in any direction. He doesn't say anything else either though, just stares up at the ceiling as he wishes that maybe she'd fallen for someone else, someone who would keep her smiling all the time and didn't come with baggage and burdens.
Yet he keeps hugging her close, keeps kissing at her temple. It just seems to be making his heart worse though as the guilt finally catches up with him. ]
[ the crying eventually softens and stills into silence, and athena's just there on the couch not saying anything. not doing anything but breathing and hugging him. it may not be what he wants right now, but this is something she needs. it's fulfilling, in a way, to be surrounded by his warmth.
even if what she hears isn't as consoling.
but eventually, she spaces out and the exhaustion from crying too much and not getting much sleep from being kidnapped catches up to her. she passes out, arms still wrapped around him.
at least he knows she's having pleasant dreams thanks to the bracelet. he can leave now. :( ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he'd be burning those fuckers down.
When she looks like that though, he only feels guiltier because he shouldn't be making her feel down as well. He sighs when even widget mirrors it now too and reaches out to nudge her closer. His arm curls around her waist, pushing at the small amount of space between her back and couch to pull her in. ]
Sorry. I didn't want-- [ To make you sad too, is what he wants to say, instead he just goes quiet for a moment, eyes focusing on her shoulder, not looking at her in the eye. His other hand plucks and pulls at the jeans he tugged on probably yesterday at this point. The days have kind of blurred together.
Finally he finishes with: ] Every spell I tried was useless.
I ALMOST TAGGED YOU AS YATA AGAIN... sweats
it's not easy to empower somebody who's down for feeling uselessness; the words that need to be used have to be personalised and specific. she doesn't look up at him but looks at the hand by his leg instead. she wants to grab hold of it and just hold his hand. she just wants to be with him right now, but that probably isn't enough. ]
I'm fine now, though, so don't worry, okay? [ a pause and she closes her eyes. her words are the same kinds of things she tells her clients; don't dwell on the past, focus on the present. ] I'm fine. That's- [ she swallows. ] that's what matters.
I don't know what that robot did, but you've done more than enough, Merlin. I'm really thankful.
ah dates yata instead then i guess?!?!?!
But it isn't the past he's thinking of. Nor is it the present, it's -- ] Now. But what about next time? I thought I... [ He just let's out a soft frustrated noise then and reaches up to rub at his eye instead, making it redder from doing it to hard. ]
oh ok :(
I'll beat up whoever tries to get me next time. [ she means it, too. ] Don't worry too much about me. But--
[ a beat. she doesn't know how to continue. there's something she wants to say, but she feels like it's the wrong thing to say. it won't make him feel any better if she tells him his abilities are limited and he can't do everything.
even if it is the truth. ]
Sorry. I'm being selfish, aren't I?
8(
No. [ Ah? ] I don't know everything that happened while you were there, but doing that probably kept you safer.
[ And it's hard Athena. Like it's great that he can be himself here, but there's also this feeling that he can't escape the pressure of what his life is where ever he is. How is he supposed to be this great name if he can't even save someone he loves?
He takes a deep breath, squeezes her hands and shifts a bit. ] You aren't, sorry. It isn't your fault. I don't want you to feel down either. Sorry. It's probably just because I'm tired.
[ It isn't. ]
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You're— [ there are a few more words she wants to say, but she lets go of his hand to cover her face with both hands this time around as she cries.
at first, they're quiet sobs but they grow louder, and eventually, she just ends up bawling. ]
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Athena-- [ His voice cracks as he winces but at least now he isn't hesitating to reach out to pull her against himself, holding her close, holding her tight to himself. He rubs her back slowly, kisses at her forehead. ]
Sorry. I shouldn't have come until later, should I? I just wanted--
[ No... this isn't okay either and this time he bites into the corner of his lip until blood forms on the surface. ]
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her cries are loud and childlike, the same kind of noises a child makes when a toy of theirs becomes broken. not that anything is broken right now, but her heart continues to sink and sink deeper.
she shakes her head in frustration, her grip on his shirt only growing tighter by the second. ]
I don't know what to do. I Just want you to be okay. [ it's not a request. it's a plea. there's nothing more in this world that she wants right now but this. ]
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His thumb rubs the skin in small circles, but it aches to see her like this.
Especially when it's his fault again. ] I will be, I will... I'm just not used to failing like this. Shouldn't you be crying for yourself? You're the one who was taken... [ Apparently he doesn't know how easily he affects her, but he's learning that very quickly. ]
I love you, I just don't know what I would have done if something had happened because I wasn't strong enough, you know?
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her crying subsides a little, but the tears continue to fall. she can't stop even if she wants to. she just can't help but cry because she can't even make the person whom she loves happy. he's supposed to be happy now that she's back. that's the expected reaction, and yet, she can't hear a clear sound coming from his chest. it's just not right. and it's all her fault. ]
Stupid!
[ him, not her, obviously. she bangs her fist on his chest once as she cries it out.
"you can't do everything, merlin". she wants to say it so badly - it was what she wanted to say earlier, too, but it's too hurtful to say out loud. even just thinking it hurts her already. and she's already crying. she doesn't need more pain right now. ]
Then that's not your fault, but mine. Or the robots', or CERES'!
[ she lets go of him this time and looks at him, eyes still filled with tears, though the look on her face is more angry than sad. ]
Everybody fails, you know. I couldn't protect someone I cared about the first time, but that's why you have to keep trying. Just because something happened once doesn't mean you can't do anything about it anymore!
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What else is he supposed to say?
The truth?
He just lets her hit him in the chest, and even though he wants to wince he can't bring himself to do it. She might notice that while her own emotions are all over the place, sad, angry, upset hurt.
His are oddly calm. ]
Athena. [ His hands reach for hers now that she isn't hitting him and she isn't holding on. His touch is warm, but it's a complete contrast to the words, the burden he isn't talking to her about, hasn't talked to her about and keeps avoiding. A slight part of it comes up now, but... ]
I don't have room to fail. Here, maybe there are second chances, maybe people come back. But if I'm not good enough for here, how am I good enough for home? If I fail there, an entire Kingdom falls.
[ Not just you. ]
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[ she's angry. enraged. and she's yelling as she cries. widget's displaying a red angry face, too - probably the first time merlin's going to see it. and hopefully the last.
she's supposed to be empowering people and cheering them on, but when they don't listen to anything she says, all she can offer is brute force. she doesn't mean to be angry, but this is just insulting in more ways than one. ]
I've learned that it's the toughest of times when lawyers have to force their biggest smiles, and maybe you aren't a lawyer, but I'm telling you this now: this is my code. This is what I do for a living. When things get tough, I smile my way through it because I know people are counting on me.
Those people in your kingdom... they don't know that their future rests in your hands, but that doesn't mean that you should be such a pessimist over things!
It hurts, Merlin. Seeing you like this, hearing you like this. I thought you would be happy, but you aren't. You're. . [ she swallows, then looks away. ] being selfish.
What you have in your own world is different. The rules there are different from here. Rei's magic is different from yours. There are people here whose magic differ from yours, too. You can't do everything, but just because that's true doesn't mean you're not good enough.
It's your destiny to bring Arthur to the throne and protect him. That's a pretty daunting task and nobody else but you can do it. You are good enough.
I don't know what to say anymore. I obviously can't say the words you want to hear right now, and I doubt I'm making you feel any better, either. But I know this in my heart. You're capable of so many beautiful and wonderful things, Merlin. You won't fail at home.
You won't. I know it. I just do.
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She doesn't know all the details, and he can't blame her for that. He can't blame her for the fact that the image people had of his name, of its significance is far from the truth and that hurts because he's trying to live up to a lie as well. Rei doesn't have that. People don't hear the name "Rei Hino" and think "Oh yes she's that girl who..." She's just another girl to them. Granted, it isn't like that for everyone, no, but it's enough to make things harder.
He's had to lie to Arthur from the start. He's had to fake smiles so he knows all that. But he doesn't want to have to do that everywhere, every hour of the day.
He should have just taken the blanket and slept this off. Especially now that he has to look up to stop himself from crying along with her.
She doesn't know what he's going to do when he goes back. She doesn't know about the vision Rei showed him, where the Great Dragon turns the city to fire.
So instead of saying any of that, he just manages: ] I don't want to go back. [ His eyes shut and he swallows, but it's getting harder to push back tears, because she's right.
It's selfish.
He just wanted something for himself for once and for that to be secure. He wanted her, to live in a bubble where nothing else existed and he could pretend he wasn't the person who had done everything he has, will do everything he will.
His hand moves up to his mouth and he bites down on the skin, squeezes his eyes shut. ] Sorry.
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weakly, she asks: ] What are you even saying sorry for?
[ she doesn't want to argue anymore, but she has to ask. does he understand that he's being selfish, or is he just saying sorry for the sake of ending the conversation? ]
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Because I was listening.
[ He understands. ]
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crying and screaming sure did take a lot out of her.
once she's done drinking (for now), she sets the glass back and pulls her legs back up. ]
I'm sorry, too.
[ she was probably too harsh. ]
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When she's done, he shakes his head. ]
You have nothing to apologise for, but I'm-- [ He takes a deep breath, and he really doesn't want to leave while she's still upset either. But this isn't fair anymore, is it? ] --going to go for a bit. Not because of what you think, but I told you before that I'd write things down for you, didn't I?
It isn't fair that you have to keep having this blind faith in me. I should have only been happy you got back safely. It should have been the only emotion you could hear.
[ His heart is probably screaming out as he swallows tight. ]
I wish you could see I'm really not as good as you think I am. I want to be, I'm trying to be, but I'm not. What kind of person makes someone they love cry this much? [ It's brief, but his hand twitches and moves up slightly, as if he's going to reach for her face, but then it flops right back down again. ]
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this wasn't a fight by any means, but athena sure did fight for what she believed in. and she's going to continue doing it. if merlin was being selfish earlier, she sure is being selfish now.
a hand drops to tug on the end of his shirt. ]
Please don't go.
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It's a challenge for the both of them, but in the end it should hopefully make them stronger.
His hand slowly curls over hers and his eyes shut slowly. ] I don't want to, but... I don't want to keep upsetting you either.
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[ god, merlin, how many times are you going to make her cry today?
her grip on him only grows tighter, and she buries her face between her legs so he doesn't have to see the tears fall from her face. ]
I love you.
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This time he lets his hand move from hers to slide it through her hair. He's stopped trying to squash everything down now which is probably only making things worse. He just.
He doesn't know. ] Come here?
[ If he isn't allowed to leave, he wants to at least hold her so she cry this out in a better place. When she agrees and he can lean to kiss her cheek, he murmurs the words back warmly. ] I love you too. Please don't doubt that at least.
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athena's never felt such her heart ache this much since simon was taken away from her when she was younger. the death of her own mother doesn't even compare to the pain she feels right now, and it sucks. she just wants to be with him and make him happy, but even though they've dropped the subject, she's still dwelling on it in the back of her mind.
at his request, she scoots closer to him and embraces him tightly, crying further into his chest. she really thought this was going to be a joyful reunion, but how wrong she was. ]
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Yet he keeps hugging her close, keeps kissing at her temple. It just seems to be making his heart worse though as the guilt finally catches up with him. ]
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even if what she hears isn't as consoling.
but eventually, she spaces out and the exhaustion from crying too much and not getting much sleep from being kidnapped catches up to her. she passes out, arms still wrapped around him.
at least he knows she's having pleasant dreams thanks to the bracelet. he can leave now. :( ]